When Life is Hard

Still Trying

I've been thinking about this post for the whole month of December.  We've had a lot of time apart, this blog and me.  Life got hard.  It has been hard for about the last 5 years or so.  There will be a few confessions here and that is going to be hard, but I want to remember life as it has been.  

It's easy to share all the "ups" in our lives. "Oh, they had a baby"... "Oh, wow their son has come so far from his injury (their injuries)"... "look at that beautiful little red head"... It's a completely different experience when you're trying to be honest without OVER sharing your struggles.

About October of 2020 Jeremiah came to me and mentioned that we should have tried to have another baby before he got his Vasectomy.  He'd had his procedure done about the same time Tank was 6 weeks old and Kotah had his ACL surgery performed.  At that time in our lives, we felt it was the right thing for our family.  I had NEVER thought that Jeremiah would come to me a year and a half later with this comment of "should have".  We got online and looked up reversal options and they were all pretty out of the price point we were willing/able to pay; however, with all the "free" government money that was passed out to our family we kept looking for something that maybe would fit.  I found a clinic in the Provo/Orem area that specializes in Vasectomy Reversals.  They only cater to men with ED and other forms of reproductive issues.  We thought about that as the possible answer to his question of adding another baby from October 2020- December 2020, which is when we finally scheduled the appointment and procedure for April 1, 2021.

The reversal had a high probability of success according to the physician who performed the procedure.  Jeremiah had a few months of healing and about the end of the summer we were ready to start trying to add another baby to our family. It was NOT as romantic as it sounds.  We were actually at a very different point in our lives and our relationship at this point. In September 2021 Jeremiah was issued termination papers at his job on Base and was served papers to appear in court in connection to some damage that had occurred to one of the aircrafts he worked on. We lost his income, we lost our insurance, I felt guilty about the money we'd spent on the reversal when we were looking at needing that money for more important things that were going to be coming in our near/near distant future.  We argued A LOT about how we had gotten into "this situation" and then we'd make up and things would be okay for a short while until the next stress induced argument. Our homelife didn't feel comfortable or harmonious.  I constantly felt like it was living in a home wired to explode at any moment.

It was New Year's Eve last year that Juniper was conceived. It was as if we were reliving our lives from New Year's 2004-2005 (when we conceived Kotah).  Jeremiah was out of a job.  We didn't have insurance.  We (thankfully) had a sufficient savings to live off of for the next several months. By May we had spent down enough of our savings that we qualified for WIC and Medicaid... then a month later we qualified for SNAP assistance.  The kids were placed on the free lunch program for the school year and the boys qualified for fee waivers for the school year.  By August Jeremiah had started another job (AUGUST- almost a whole year later) where we thought he'd be able to stay for a good long while. BUT of course, that was too good to be true...

Durning this whole process I was still expecting Juniper.  At 33 weeks I started having contractions, to the point where the doctors gave me the steroid shots and prepared for an early delivery. I was wheeled around in a wheelchair for weeks so I could attend Kotah's football games, Kaiya's volleyball and soccer, and Kenai's lacrosse. All this while still trying to care for Tank and NOT go into labor. By my 38 week appointment we were pretty sure I'd have Juniper within 24-36 hours.

I woke up on the morning of September 14, 2022 at 5:45 to get Kotah and Kenai up for school. I went to the bathroom, as I always did first thing in the morning, and as I wiped, I KNEW today was the day. YKIYK. I got the boys up and started the day while figuring the contractions would continue (as they had for the previous few WEEKS) and I'd be able to go in later that day when Jeremiah got home from work to have the baby.  However, by 7 o'clock the contractions were so intense and every 5 minutes so I had Kenai call Jeremiah and tell him to get home so we could go to the hospital.  I finished doing Kotah's hair and he left for school.  Kenai stayed home with Tank and Kaiya went with us to the hospital. I had woken Kaiya at 7 so she'd be ready to go with us when Jer got home.  She had a clip board with a paper and pencil and every time I told her "now" she'd write the time so as to track the contractions. We left the house at 7:30 and got to the ER entrance at 8. The took me and Kaiya upstairs while Jer parked the truck and then he was upstairs by the time I got into a bed. We were in full on labor by this time.  Every 3 minutes turned into every other minute and using the "other" minute to (HAHA) recover from the previous contraction.  The anesthesiologist was in a C-section and the nurses weren't sure he'd even get out in time to get to my room and set up for the epidural for administering it before it was "too late".  My L&D nurses were WONDERFUL!!! They kept me as calm as I could be and assisted in counterpressure to allow me to not feel like I was being ripped in half with each contraction.  Oops, side note, when I arrived I was at a 7 and I had sat at a 4 for the previous few weeks.... by the time I got the epidural and the numbness had fully set in we were at a 10 and ready for delivery.  My doctor got to the hospital, came in my room, checked me (when I was a 10) went out of the room to change and was back in just as Juniper was starting to crown.  I was able to watch her in the reflection of a mirror on the ceiling.  This was the MOST INCREDIBLE thing I have ever been blessed to witness.  Her head appearing and then her little body.  She had pooped prior to delivery so they had to take her and do her full assessment before returning her to my chest for skin to skin. They had placed her on me to initially clean and wrap her then took her and finally brought her back.  I swear, when they plopped her up on my chest for Kaiya to cut the umbilical cord she smiled at me.  I needed that smile more than I have ever needed a smile in my life.  I knew she'd be fine as I handed her off to the respiratory nurses and the NICU nurses to see if she needed additional care, but she came right back to me without a worry in the world.

Life felt fine and we thought we'd be settling into a new normal with Jer working days at his new job, Kotah doing well in school and football, Kenai killing it with is grades that term and fall lacrosse and Kaiya finally having a sister to hold and love and completely adore, Tank was another story. He reverted back to wanting a binkie and a bottle and would go get his pull ups just so he could use them instead of a toilet and ask us to change him like we changed the baby.

Jeremiah was fired (again) November 30, 2022 after he and another employee accidentally logged into and out of one another's time cards (work orders) and didn't know it so they hadn't corrected the mistake. (How are time cards set up in a way that anyone other than the actual employee can access them?) So this month we've been put back on SNAP and he's been applying and interviewing for another job, again. Hopefully the one we're currently waiting on to finish paperwork will pan out and he'll be able to start work soon and stay there without complications.

This year has been a really hard one; however, even with all the hard times there have been a few really high high-lights. If you're interested go see them on my Instagram or Facebook profiles.