We got up each day.
I took the boys to school.
I went to the gym.
Sometime Jeremiah and Kaiya went with me.
Sometimes I went alone.
I'd move through the workout and feel mostly satisfied with my performance.
I'd get home (sometimes shower) get Kaiya ready for Kindergarten.
Take Kaiya to school and two days a week go donate plasma at Biolife.
I felt as if life was going on JUST AS IT HAD before he died.
How could life seem to keep moving without missing a beat...
BUT then there'd be those moments, you know... they moments when you've put your babies to bed, your husband is off to work and you are alone. THOSE are the moments when life isn't "just as it was". Those are the moments when you begin to really dive into feelings and emotions you are experiencing. Those are the moments when life feels like it is going by WAY too fast and that you will soon have to bury another grandparent, and then an aunt or uncle, a great aunt/great uncle, your OWN MOM or your OWN DAD... you will one day bury your SPOUSE or your CHILD... or your OWN CHILDREN will have to bury YOU!!!
For the past 3whatever years, my family has invited my Grandma Bennington (both grandparents really) to come to what seemed like EVERYTHING we had going on in our lives...
-birthday parties
-holiday parties
-school programs
-sporting games
-dance recitals
-Sunday dinners
...each time she would get excited and write it on her calendar and say how much she would sure like to come, but the day would come and the event would pass without Grandma being there. It didn't take long for us to realize that she was NEVER going to leave Grandpa's side, so long as she was able to be there WITH HIM she was absolutely going to be there with him. These last 3 months we have had some fun with grandma. She has come to birthday parties, holiday parties, school performances, sports games, Kaiya's dance recital and we have had A LOT of meals with her. This last weekend, on June 2nd, she turned 84 years old. She is 50 years older than me.... and I am only 17 years away from being 50. Grandma never seemed old to me. She was just Grandma. She cooked the bacon or sausage first in the pan so the eggs would taste better. She made the best grilled cheese sandwiches. She always wore her GREEN zip up sweatshirt. She likes Jr. Whoppers and Dr. Pepper (which is what I took to her on Saturday night when our family went to have dinner and cake/ice cream with her). She always took such good care of her roses... each time I go visit her she mentions how she "can't get out and care for them like she wants to".
Here it is 1 in the morning, and I'm in the middle of one of my moments. The difference this time is I was ready to write some of it down. I have so many little memories I wish I had known would be gone too soon. I feel like I'm going through some "mid life" crap and realization of how little time I get with my kids. How little time I very possibly could have left with my own parents. How the fact that if I lose my parents, means my kids lose their grandparent. In all these moments there are other moments that I have had brought to my memory.
1- The time my cousin Cole received his endowments in the temple and I walked into the celestial room and I had to have been the last one to "arrive" and all my family was in there waiting for me. THAT is a hope for the future.
2- As I read the scriptures and study the Atonement of Jesus Christ I realize that ALL who have lived and passed on will be made whole through HIM. I don't need to worry about those who are closest to me being lost because they were good people... GREAT people who tried their best while here on Earth and I know I'll be given the chance to be with them again.
3- If I want my children to understand and develop a testimony of this church then I have to be engaged in the process. I can't just hope they'll be good, because in today's world hope is NOT going to keep them strong. I have to use every moment I can to teach them something that is going to make them the BEST that I can make them. After that, they'll have to continue on their own with the steps and guidance I have tried to give them.
You live your whole life under the guidance of a church.
You think you know "everything" you need to know.
You have a testimony... a STRONG testimony rooted in the teachings of Jesus Christ.
You look around this world and wonder why things are getting so bad.
Why do people act on bad thoughts?
Why can't they see the error of their ways?
Why don't they just listen (for Christ's guidance) to show them?
Why do good people suffer because of those bad people's actions?
What can I do to make it better?
Is there even anything I could do that would make it better?
YES!!!
I can get up each day. Start the day with a prayer, a conversation with my Father in Heaven. Talk to Him. Tell Him all the things that are troubling me. Tell Him where I'm struggling in my life. Talk to Him as if he were RIGHT THERE, because HE IS!!! Ask Him for help (just as I do with my dad when I need help with sprinklers, weeds, yard anything, house anything). Ask Him to help you when you are struggling. Ask Him to show you your weaknesses, and then ask Him to help strengthen those weaknesses. Summer is a good time for life to relax. We all have our vacations, or sporting tournaments, or dance competitions, or yard work, or house projects...etc. we are working on, but if we will utilize our down time to focus our attention back to Christ we will be able to make our own little corner of this world a better place. And if we do this, little by little the darkness will move away from us. We will once again see light. We will see birthday parties, holiday parties, family sports events, dance recitals and Sunday dinners as these wonderful bright moments in our lives where Christ is present and participating. I love my family more than anything. It is hard to imagine a life where I'm not within a 2 mile drive of someone in my family. I will add all the fun activities we've been coasting through since March, but apparently for now THIS is what my HEART needed to share. (I hope I don't read this tomorrow and think, "No more late night blogging Sharcy.")
No comments:
Post a Comment